Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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