New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
