god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
