I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
