Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Randomize
