Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
