Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
it was like his penis was on wheels.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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