a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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