I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
