can we get nightvision for the apartment?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
