and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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