i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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