I wish I could punch you in the face.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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