I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
