You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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