I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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