apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
