i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
