By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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