I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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