Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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