What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
