1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
