I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
