I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
