I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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