Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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