The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
