Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
