12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
