Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
There r osticjed everywhere
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
