I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We need to get me chipped asap
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
