Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
