I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Randomize
