I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
