do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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