Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
