But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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