Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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