you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
