Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
