How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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