I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
