Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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