Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
