Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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