dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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