Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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