My sheets look like a crime scene.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
