I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
