the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
