saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
