Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
